Reparations
The U.S. Senate has approved a resolution apologizing for the nation’s past discriminatory laws that targeted Chinese immigrants, such as the Chinese Exclusion Act of 1882.
Well it’s about fucking time. Gee it only took you, what, 129 years? Okay, it’s ancient history, just tell me where I line up for my 40 acres and mule. What? Farmland is in a bubble and there’s too many Chinese people and not enough mules? What do you mean, too many Chinese people? That’s right, you’d better rephrase it. You know, maybe what you’re really afraid of is you won’t be able to tell all of us apart, you racist fuck.
Don’t Quote Me On This
This happened one night when I ran into a friend of a friend. We began a brief, passing conversation and I sufficed to ask how he was doing. But rather than answering with anything pertaining to his personal life, he slammed me with a movie quote.
“It’s niiice, very nice.” (In what I assume was an imitation of Borat’s voice.)
Ok then. Thinking that it was over, I ventured to ask about our mutual friend. But no sooner had I begun talking than I was interrupted with—
“60 percent of the time, it works every time.”
… I’d been hit again. I let the conversation end there, as it was unlikely that anything resembling an original thought was going to come out of this person. I wondered: just how often had this situation happened to me? And how many minutes of my life had I lost to overused and poorly-reenacted movie quotes, taken completely out of context and dropped into a dialogue in which they had no place and made no sense?
China is Icky
Before I went to China, I made sure to know nothing about it. No books, no movies, not even the lottery numbers inside fortune cookies. The only thing I knew about China was that my rosewood end table and Zen-chic Roman shades were manufactured there. It was a conscious decision, because I wanted to hate the country and the people as much as possible, and I was afraid that if I weren’t completely ignorant going in, I might accidentally gain perspective and unwittingly feel empathy, which, let me tell you, isn’t very funny. So it was for humor that I endeavored to be as prejudiced and anal retentive as possible during my trip, to see how much of a spoiled dandy I could be if I really worked hard at it.
Chinese Communist Party Celebrates 90 Years of Fucking People’s Lives Up
Celebrations are being held all over China today to mark 90 years of the Communist Party completely fucking up their citizens’ lives. In towns and villages across the country, odes to the absolute ineptitude of the CCP are being sung in praise of nearly a century of near-constant mismanagement and disaster.
In a buoyant press conference, foreign ministry spokesman Wang Xiaoming said, “It is amazing to consider the number of lives we have utterly destroyed or shattered beyond repair, and all in under a century.” He paused to wipe tears from his eyes. “We are proud to have so consistently and unrelentingly buttfucked the Chinese people.”
Osama bin Laden Releases First Posthumous Rap Album
The music world was jolted alive this week when the late Osama bin Laden, hailed as the father of militant Islamic rap, released his first posthumous album, The Qur’an-icle, just one month after his death at the hands of U.S. Navy SEALs. Bin Laden was known best for his nihilistic Islamic ideology and global campaign of terror, but music fans knew him as one of the most seminal rappers in the Middle East.
False Rumor Causes Run On Pencils
Disclaimer: The following attempt at humor should not, under any circumstances, be taken seriously.
BEIJING, China – Amid growing concerns about radiation leakage from the Fukushima Daiichi plant spreading to China, pencil sales in the nation have skyrocketed following false rumors that pencil lead could be used to protect against radiation.
In Beijing, residents rushed into stationery stores, snatching pencils and refillable lead off the shelves after receiving forwarded text messages that read, in part:
BUY PENCILS! They are your only salvation from a slow, torturous, radioactive death.
- Best wishes from the Lianbi Pencil Company Co. Ltd.
Forensic Evidence Suggests Chinese People Were Once Able to Form a Line
HENAN – Archaeologists excavating at a site near Yinxu, the capital of the Shang Dynasty (1766-1050 BC) made a startling discovery this week when they uncovered what seemed to be fossilized remains of Chinese citizens in the form of a line.
Wang Guwei, a senior paleontologist with the Chinese Academy of Sciences says that the discovery represents “a paradigm shift in the understanding of Chinese people.” He continued, “The scientific community has long believed that Chinese people were genetically unable to stand in a line to wait for something.”
China Urges Shady Countries to Boycott Nobel Peace Prize Ceremony
Speaking in front of a large gathering of reporters, foreign ministry spokesman Wang Xiaoming urged the disreputable and untrustworthy countries of the world to join together in symbolically boycotting the Nobel Peace Prize Ceremony. Wang welcomed “illegitimate dictatorships, autocratic regimes, drug-fueled banana republics, corrupt theocracies, war-torn hellholes, and all-around shitty countries” to “march with us in solidarity against openness, tolerance, and equality.
Chinese Officials Hope To Make Future Mine Disasters More Uplifting
Yesterday, China’s foreign ministry spokesman Wang Xiaoming congratulated Chilean president Sebastián Piñera on the overwhelmingly successful rescue operation, calling it “one of the most successful deflections of blame I have ever seen.” He praised the President on miraculously shifting world focus from the deplorable conditions of his country’s mines to the miners’ fight for survival.
Chinese Students Shocked, Appalled at Obama’s Town Hall Meeting
Chinese students in Shanghai were shocked, appalled, incredulous, and generally uncomfortable at President Obama’s town hall meeting yesterday afternoon.
The audience, made up of carefully-screened students from several Shanghai universities, was stunned that a head of state could have a personality and speak to them as if they were real people. “We expected to be addressed en masse like subjects,” said Jiaotong University student Wang Jiabo. “It was strange and unnerving to be drawn into a discussion.”
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