The U.S. Senate has approved a resolution apologizing for the nation’s past discriminatory laws that targeted Chinese immigrants, such as the Chinese Exclusion Act of 1882.

- Los Angeles Times

Well it’s about fucking time. Gee it only took you, what, 129 years? Okay, it’s ancient history, just tell me where I line up for my 40 acres and mule. What? Farmland is in a bubble and there’s too many Chinese people and not enough mules? What do you mean, too many Chinese people? That’s right, you’d better rephrase it. You know, maybe what you’re really afraid of is you won’t be able to tell all of us apart, you racist fuck.

Whatever, just give me some money and I’ll leave my shoe on my foot instead of up your ass. What? There’s no monetary reparations in this resolution? What exactly does it resolve then? It sure as fuck won’t resolve the money I owe my daughter’s piano tutor, or her future student loans for Princeton law. (Ann, I’m not going to have this discussion right now!)

You know what? Fuck your resolution. You owe us Chinese-Americans way more than some half-assed, century-late apology. Especially us first-generation Chinese-Americans. What the fuck did you just say? You don’t owe me anything because I only came to this country 20 years ago? Guess again fuckwad. Unlike Chinese-Americans who were grandfathered in, I had to scratch and claw my way to this country. I had to lie to my government and pretend I was going back after my Master’s in electrical engineering. Oh, and one small thing: I had to live through something called THE CULTURAL REVOLUTION. Umm, maybe you’ve heard of it. If not, here’s the Cliff’s Notes: it made Japanese occupation look like A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte.

If my family had been allowed to enter your precious little country at the turn of the century to build railroads or pan gold, I wouldn’t have to be subjected to taunts about my fobby accent every fucking day. If my grandfather had been allowed to demean himself a century ago, meet my grandmother in a Chinatown brothel, my mother could have been a waitress, working two jobs to send me to college. And I, I would own a software company and my son would be the Secretary of Energy by now, not some gang banger who races his riced-out Civic every night. That’s a joke but you laughed, didn’t you? I DON’T EVEN HAVE A SON YOU FUCKING RACIST.

Let’s face facts: 130 years ago, Chinese people were one-tenth of California’s population. If this abominable law had not been passed, Chinese-Americans could have taken over all of California by now, not just Berkeley. If you really want to make this right, you need to make someone Chinese the governor of California. He can still be a movie star. How about John Cho? I DON’T CARE, HE LOOKS CHINESE.

In addition to this, I want Panda Express to be rebranded as a legitimate and respectable Chinese dining establishment and all Amy Tan novels banned from public libraries. Chinese culture has been reduced to kitschy, Orientalist caricature for long enough.

I want the unfair portrayal of Chinese people in mass media to stop. All Chinese characters in movies or TV should either have a huge penis or drive well. They can be poor at math if it is integral to the story.

Lastly, I want a blanket apology for all of it. Everything. I want an apology for slavery (fuck it, why not?), Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Short Round in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, and white people thinking Joe Wong is funny.

And I want it now. Unless you’re considering the money. Really, I’d settle for the money.