This morning, Chinese President Hu Jintao called an emergency press conference and expressed shock at accusations that the Chinese Government was somehow responsible for the recent blockage of YouTube.

“The allegations are completely untrue.  Just because the Government has haphazardly blocked websites containing content that it deems inappropriate in the past is no reason to assume that this is the case today.”

When greeted with skepticism, the President learned forward on the podium and tried to “level with everyone”: “Look, I’m just as surprised as you guys about this YouTube thing.  When I found out about it, the first thing I did was call Baobao [Premier Wen Jiabao] to see if there was something wrong with my wireless card.  He was in a meeting and told me to restart my computer.  That didn’t work so I called him back.  He told me to reset my modem.  It still didn’t work so I called him again but he had turned his phone off.  What a dick.”

Xinhua, the state news agency, says the President’s vexation is genuine.  According to reports, minutes before the conference Hu was seen in the hallway vigorously shaking his iPhone and shouting, “What is the use of a YouTube shortcut when the fucking site won’t load?”  (The video of this outburst is already on YouTube.)

Later in the conference, Hu admitted that as a result of the ban, he was spending much more time on Facebook, Twitter, and CollegeHumor.  When asked what he does on the sites, Hu responded, “You know… makin’ a lot of wall posts and procrastinating… browsing pics of some of the other guys on the Committee [Politburo Standing Committee of the Communist Party of China]… and voting in the America’s Hottest College Girl ’09 poll.  Rebecca or Briana?  I just can’t decide!”

After hitting the reload button on Safari and seeing that YouTube was still blocked, the President held his iPhone up so the audience could see the error page.  “I don’t know why everyone is assuming that we’re behind this.  Can’t you see that I’m a victim too?  I’m suffocating here!  ThePirateBay is down, The Huffington Post is too, even YouPorn…” the President admitted, visibly choked up.

As the President struggled to regain his composure, several aides walked up and helped him off the stage.  “It’s okay.  I just got a little emotional,” he said, stumbling out of the room.  “I just want to know how many views the video of me in the hall has gotten.  I just want to know…”